I don’t want a dysfunctional relationship to develop between us. So there are a few things I keep in mind when dealing with Queen Vee and her vibrant Red Personality. I will be sharing some of them in a series of blog posts about "Raising a Red."
"Red are the power wielders. Power: the ability to move from point A to point B and get things done, is what motivates and drives these people. They bring great gifts of vision and leadership and generally are responsible, decisive, proactive and assertive."
The Color Code/The People Code by Taylor Hartman
Demands VS Questions
Red Personality children like to tell you what they are going to do and how they are going to do it. My very own Queen Vee will demand a snack just before dinner; she will tell me that she wants to go outside, all with no regard for the fact that I may not want her to. I realized how super demanding she is and how much she tells me what she was going to do only in an embarrassing moment: in front of people. Embarrassing! So, I realized I needed to train her how I want her to speak to me, before it turned into blatant disrespect and disregard for my position as her parent.
Every time she placed a demand, I would reformulate it into a question and tell her to say it back to me. Adding manners with “please” and “thank you” was funny because she would continue to demand with the word “please,” as if that makes it all better.
“I want apple juice.”Became, “I want apple juice, please.”Then finally became, “May I have some apple juice, please?”
I don’t say “yes” or “no” to anything that is not in question format. Sometimes I have to say, “Are you demanding to go swimming or are you trying to ask me permission?” Usually she is trying to ask, so I say, “Then ask me a question so I can give you an answer.”
Decisiveness = Harmony
Red children know that they can walk all over you if you let them. I am quite indecisive and passive. Before Queen Vee came into this world, I could go on being my indecisive-self and parent my other four children by shrugging my shoulders, saying “I don’t know,” “whatever,” or just not giving a reply to their endless questions. But then the Red child came and demanded and demanded and demanded, until I (first became emotional) and then started giving straight answers.
One of my biggest recommendations when parenting a Red child is so simple. When giving answers… only say “yes” or “no,” nothing in between will suffice them. They demand decisiveness. And in that one fact, I’ve become a more decisive parent/person, and think a little quicker on my feet. (Giving immediate answers is so difficult for a White Personality, we need time to think. But for the sake of our Reds, we need to develop that skill, or they will torture us.)
But if they ask a question that really does require some thought, it is a good idea to tell them, “I will think about it.” And tell them WHEN you will give an answer. Because the nag-monster will rear its ugly head. Once you’ve thought about it, come back with facts and information.
Why = A Debate
Chances are pretty high that the next question out of their cute little mouths will be “why?” If your Red child asks you “why” after you’ve said “no” to something, be aware, you are about to enter the Debate Zone. Bad! It can become a sign of disrespect when children continuously debate their parents. Reds love to debate. They are super logical and hate being lectured. They will not stay silent long enough for you to lecture them. They will debate you. If you are no good at debating, they will have a good chance at winning unless you stop it before it begins. (I am terrible with debates, I need time to think. So I've set up two strategies for this.)
First, when there is no reason for why I've said “no” to her request, I just say “no” and end the discussion. (Sometimes if I even say, "There is no why." Then I send her away to go play, or busy her with something else. I give her something to do to divert her attention from the impending debate. (I'm not sure how long this strategy will work because she won't be 5 years old forever.)
The second thing I do, is present my reasons using logic, facts and information but keep it SHORT and sweet. Reds respect efficiency and if there are no loop holes, they cannot lure me into a debate which leads to questioning my authority on the matter.
It is a delightful thing when a Red can learn from early on in their childhood how to appropriately interact with other people, especially those in authority. I love the idea of giving my Red child a chance to be the best person she can be. After all, “Healthy Reds are the lifeblood of humanity. They are the movers and shakers of society.” -The Color Code by Taylor Hartman