Lost In the Depths

I've been gone from my blog for quite some time now. I feel like I should apologize but the reason may be surprising. I have always been transparent with my friends and family, and I'd like to extend that to my blogging family...

I've been in and out of the depths of depression since the fall of 2014. I feel like it has been some sort of situational depression because haven't really been prone to depression. We've been building an addition for 3 years now (a master suite and large laundry room.) I am a dreamer. I was doing so well holing on to the hope of change and relief from our small house. With five kids in a three bedroom, ONE bathroom house, it can really close in on you. But in the fall, I didn't even realize that I stopped being interested in my usual delights... writing, blogging, doing crafty projects, reading, homeschooling and even Christmas shopping!

My husband asked me the day after Black Friday last year why I hadn't even started Christmas shopping. It shocked me because I am usually DONE with my shopping endeavors by Black Friday. But this one came and went without a drop of Christmas cheer. Christmas is my favorite. Finding things that delight my children and husband. But I was lost in the darkness, not really aware I was there and not sure how to pull out of it.

As the days and weeks rolled over me I noticed how much I was doing. I was hiding more. I was overstimulated quickly (after all, I'm an introvert homeschooling five kids.) And even more, there were things I wasn't doing. I wasn't talking much. I wasn't dreaming. I realized how little I could care about even making a facial expression when my six year old showed me her artwork. How sad indeed.

January and February rolled around and I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Spring was coming and maybe I was just having cabin fever. (Not sure if that's possible in Georgia.) But I pushed myself to start seeds for the garden and keep up with the kids school work. I tried to care about stuff again, but gradually my brain went back into the fog and I lost interest again. (Luckily my seeds didn't die in the fog.)

April brought me back. Two things happened... First, my gracious husband sent me on a "Mom Retreat." I went to a friend's house (who spent their days at work) and sat on their porch and did NOTHING. I didn't have to take care of anyone but me. I didn't have to answer a million kid-questions before 8 am. I didn't even have to make my own food. (Thanks Eileen!) I sat on their porch swing for several hours doing nothing, I sat on their guest bed for several hours. I explained to my husband, "I went blank." I was nothing and did nothing for hours and hours. Strangely enough, it helped. A lot.

The second thing was... We finally carpeted my new master bedroom and I moved in asap. Somehow the act of moving me to the other side of the house, away from the children, to a serenely painted and decorated bedroom has revived me.

Now when I feel stressed, I come and sit in here to dispel the pressure and tension. My "introverted bucket" is filled double-time in this room. It's so strange. Three years of holding on and hoping and dreaming of having this room has come true and it has brought me back to life.

I don't really understand why either of these things helped but I'm glad to be back. And hopeful that I'm in the clear. I'm just happy to be alive, aware, and looking forward to a beautiful garden this summer. I thank my King for all the things He kept safe for me for the past seven months. And that He brought me back from the depths.